H.

I hated this feeling that nothing is making sense at all. And for that,i'm scared of everything but yet I succeed by pretending that i'm a brave person and nothing is not okay and everything is fine by laughing by smiling by being super normal in front of everyone that is around me. but the truth is, i'm not.

I hated this feeling where I feel like I dont belong anywhere. and everyone and everything might gonna hurt me and knowing that I wont even be able to defense myself from any harm. And no one , not even myself can make me feel like i'm safe.

I hated this mind for causing a lot of trauma since it keep repeating the thing I've been trying to make it go (at least I can lie to myself that it was all just a dream), and my head for disturbing every second with those horrible voices , and I can't make it stop. I cant. They just wont go away.

I hated this heart for it always make me feel stringy and making me feel that dying is the best thing to do. And every feeling that I can't determined what it is make me feel to cut , and I will cut and cut and cut until the blood that come out from the flesh is dropping to the floor and my skin will go numb and by doing that at least, at least I got that relieved pleasure, because by doing that I've done distracted myself. 

I hated my body. This isn't normal. I feel like my body has stop growing like how it should be, like how everyone else is. And i do eat, a lot. But once I done eating i will go to the bathroom and throw it all out, all out. And I don't have reason for that, not because I wanted to be skinny or what, it just feel like an addiction, a habit that I cant just stop.

I hated my face. I always questioning god, why is he making everyone pretty AND I'M UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY! 

I hated my eyes. I always feel like crying , always wanted to cry but I just can't , not anymore. and it somehow feel like a torturing. Like a curse.

I hated my mouth. For I can't even spill out what I wanted to express. I can't even join the conversation that is happening around me. And that fucking suck.

And for everything,I hated myself more everyday. Everytime I wake up. Everytime I saw my reflection. Everytime i have to meet people. I hated myself. I got too much to say but it will still won't be enough. O God,will this stupid hatred of mine ended if turn myself off?