i'm okay, there I said it.

I said i'm okay,
while I drown myself in this alchoholic world,
when they mention your name,
when they mention your name.

I said i'm okay,
while I drank all these liquor they brought,
when they asked me what am I doing with my life,
when they asked me what am I doing with my life.

I said i'm okay,
while I finished every dropped of that sin tasted water,
when they told me that I haven't done anything to my life at all,
when they told me that I haven't done anything to my life at all.

I said i'm okay,
when I cant even walk straight and I cant see clearly,
and they stare at me and laugh at how failure and wasted I have become,
and they stare at me and laugh at how failure and wasted I have become.

I said i'm okay,
when everything have become blank. too black. too dark. too empty. and even if this world of mine have turn off and blackout but still I'll be okay, I have to.

well at least I tried.

There is this one time when i'm still working as a receptionist, one regular customer of our hotel said this to me; "why do you look so sad, you shouldn't be. You should smile, life is too short to be sad all the time you know." I give him the smiled that he wanted and I just replied it with "hey i'm not sad, i'm just tired with work and stuff" and I add my statement with a little laugh.

You see smiling and laughing do help when it come to hide those feeling you didn't want anyone else to see, I don't know about you but it do help me. Because I dont fucking need anyone god damn sympathy and I do know that what we feel never is important enough to explained why, its worthless.

And right now, I just feel like it's the best if I hide me from everyone else. Im tired of hiding those feeling away and play pretend, why dont I just hide with them. What could go wrong anyway.

it's the end. (four)

And since that day, my life turn up side down. Everything is a messed, a fun mess. When you mix with a bigger circle, you get to know a whole lots of different problem, and you get to meet a whole lots of different people, you get to see who your real friends are, but in the end you might be confused and stressed out, but you learned.

Its been for eight to nine month and even a year, we were so closed. we do things together, we went to a few road trip together, we make a music video for one of our friends band, we make short film, we have fun partying with those people we like. there's drugs, sex, and too much alcohol; rock and roll life I would say. but that's it.

There were a total lots of dramatic part, and i'll leave it there. So all of us drifted apart, there's some misunderstood things that make us fight, we get into a real fight, and now everyone pretending that nothing is worth to be remember at all. and that's our ending. happy ending didn't exist in this one.

the ending is not here yet. (three)

Pagi tu aku masuk kerja, macam biasa lambat dan serabai nak mampus. Aku tak tahu hotel lain ada ke pekerja yang jaga reception rambut kaler merah pakai seluar koyak-koyak baju suka hati nak pakai baju apa dengan sweater bersepah patches dan aku juga tak tahu orang-orang sini tahu ke tak aku mandi ke tidak sebab mostly hari-hari aku sama je macam aku yang semalam. Aku agak ramai cop aku tak mandi memandangkan kawan-kawan aku sendiri pun selalu ejek aku tak mandi.

Aku masuk je kawan kerja aku cakap, weh kawan kau afiq dekat atas. Aku macam excited sikit pasal aku jarang jumpa dengan kawan-kawan aku dan aku ada rasa macam kelakar sikit pasal semalam ramai-ramai beria plan nak blah dari JB tiba-tiba dia boleh sesat ada kat hotel aku pula. "eh yeke? haha dia dengan siapa weh? ramai ke?" aku tanya dekat kawan kerja aku. "dia dengan kawan dia, ramai do".  "Oh biar lah dia, segan  lah nak kacau".

Petang tu dorang turun makan dekat kedai sebelah, dengan aku aku sekali join. Angkut meja letak tepi pintu hotel. Seronok dia pasal aku tengah kerja tapi aku boleh melepak sekali. Tiba-tiba kawan aku extend extend dan extend lagi bilik dia, dekat seminggu lebih juga. Aku memanglah seronok datang kerja ada kawan boleh lepak-lepak lagi. Sampai dah jadi rutin harian dah, aku yang rasa seronok datang kerja pasal aku boleh enjoy dengan member sambil buat duit.

Tapi kawan aku extend-extend-extend-dan terus extend bilik dekat hotel ni, sampaikan satu malam tu dorang nak buat pp, aku memang tak layan aku cuma pernah pergi dua kali je pasal kena teman cousin aku tapi pasal ada ramai kawan-kawan yang aku kenal, aku excited nak join.

But the unexpected thing happen to us drastically. One problem to another problem to another problem, nonstop.