we don't have much choice don't we?

To let go of everything and everyone that meant the world to us, for our own good. 

We got attached with it that we aren't aware of how much damaged it could do to us. Tell me how much time did you wasted on those people who you thought will stay longer in your life journey but end up leave you behind the dark? And tell me how much money you have spend to be "temporary happy" buying those drugs and alcohols, knowing that being sober in this fuck up life wont work out for you? So tell me how much pain you have to suffered from these two thing after the enjoyment disappear?

But oh well we don't have much choice don't we? We got addicted with both of it. And it seem hard to eliminate the pleasure that we think we might never going to let it go,we allow both of it to destroyed us.

ain't it funny.

She was doing so fine. Life might be harsh to her but well,she got her friends with her, their circle ain't so big but those people are enough to her. They are the people that she loved the most,she would kill anyone who's trying to hurt em. They would spend those countless night together doing some random stupid crazy things just to have fun;just to forget how miserable each one of their life has been. They were not doing good in life,but they got each others back so that is okay.

Until she got involved with a different circle. She tasted a new kind of fun with em, and she got addicted. She slowly left her old circle without noticing it, she drifted apart from them. She would spend days, weeks or even months with the new clique because she know they got the things that she wanted ; they got that temporary joy that she long for ; they got the drugs.

But ain't it funny, those guilty pleasure she had only destroyed her friendship. She lost those people that care for her. That what she got for being greedy just to have happiness.

...

She was so in love. With this punk dude that play in a band. Even though they didn't declared their self as a couple, they both know that they got the chemistry even if he play hard to get. He would protect her if she get inside the chaos pit when they go to a gig, they rarely meet but he would come from a far place to pick her up just to spend time with each other, they don't talk a lot but to be around each other even if in silenced ; is enough for them. He told her to wait for him ; "i'm collecting money to married you,I don't want to be that guy who's going to destroyed you". But she was confused if its true or not because he never be serious with these commitment kind of things.

But then she met this guy, he's a hipster trendy dude. Both of their world is different. She into punk rock but he, well let said that he's the kind of people that follow the trend. Everyone were shock that they two be a paired,but what everyone doesn't know is that it was love out of pity; "everyone left me. my girlfriend left me and my friend isn't being true with me and i'm afraid to be alone in this world" he said, and she stay just because she knows how being lonely feel even if you're in a place full of people; "if you're sincere with me then we'll make this work, but if you're not and you want me to go, i'll go" she said. But then he got a job, he got the cash and he left her with the sentence "i'm afraid of your depression" when the truth is he just used her in his hard time, take everything she have and abandon her when it come to her hard time.

But ain't it funny, how fool she have been for love. And now the fault she make can't be reversed, the impatient decision of her greed to have love; make her lose the one that could have been true to her.

...

but you'll learn little girl,

and I know those past mistake

won't stop haunting you down.

but remember that the past can't hurt you,

it will only make you grow wiser.

so for now just

breathe and live

this life of your,

and you shall bloom.

we.

you kissed me at my forehead ; and you tell me this ,

"this is my favorite part to plant my kisses on you, don't let anyone touch it. 

don't let anyone touch you, don't let anyone hurt you anymore"

so I tried to kiss your lips,

but you avoid it, and you said ;

"but baby this dream wont end up that way,
we might not be together in the real life,
so let do this our way since we both hated being comited,
why wont you take my hand right now and walk with me
along this dark alley"

fri/ends.

I was so hungry just now, remembering that I don't have enough money to buy food anymore that I have to starve myself sometimes and that I need to collect another rm3++ for my license by next week before my JPJ and I have no idea how to get it. And I'm ashamed to tell them about how broke I am right now every time they ask me to lepak that sometimes I feel like, I don't want to meet anyone at all. Cuz every time we are chilling they have to spend some cash for me just because I don't have any money and I hate it when people pay for my food, I know they don't mind about it but its me, and I hate it. 

And then I cried because I was so fucking hungry and broke and I have no idea how I'll end up in the future because everything doesn't turn out so well for me lately and I wanted to give up. I can just climb on the balcony and jump from this forth floor and turn myself off. But I'm afraid that what if I jump, I wont end up death and turn out that I might only got several injured, ain't that a fucking waste.

So in this tiny room of me in it, crying about how pathetic I've been and how hungry I am right now, a friend of mine texted me and ask me to get ready because his on his way to my home to take me out for a dinner. So I checked the money that I hide in the novel I have been reading, I got about rm15 and I can afford to pay for my dinner tonight! (*ps I don't want to but anymore maggi because I'm afraid I might turn to be bald and my hair right now have been falling off for quite a lot since I eat maggi a lot for the past month)

It's been quite a 30minutes ride until we arrived to the place where we decided to eat, we don't talk a lot until both of us have finished our food. I thought I caused the silence since I've been overthinking and it effect my mood. But no, tonight feel melancholic and everyone were affected with it. And then he started talking about this girl he liked but there's a friend of us that kinda disturbed them and then bla bla bla we end up talking about our friends; those who used to be our friends and those who still stay with us.

Last year tragedy effect us so bad and it make all of us to be more aware to those people around us. We fucking judge their sincerity, we would tried to investigate if they got their hidden agenda and if it would harm us, we would walk away first or distance our self from em. I'm okay with being friend with anyone, i'm just tired to deal with anymore drama. I got no more time to waste for other people bullshit and etc etc. Cuz all I wanted is a pure sincere friendship, and that is.

"kadang-kadang aku rindu juga dorang weh, sebab tu aku ajak kau jalan tempat dorang kadang-kadang, tapi aku kalis-kalis ah ayat aku pasal aku nak nampak cool haha"

"aku sekarang ni rasa kalau dah blah dari babi-babi, aku tak nak dah amek tau pasal taik-taik dorang lagi dah, buang masa"

"aah ek, kita je ingat dorang risau pasal dorang tapi dorang tak ingat pun kat kita ek"

"dorang ingat kita, dorang ingat buruk-buruk kita je baik kita semua tak pernah pun wujud kat dorang"