x

12/09/14

She noticed the cut on my wrist ,

She noticed the bruised on my hand ,

She noticed the blood on my cloth and bed .

She noticed I have lost some weight now ,

She noticed I rarely eat at home now ,

She noticed I get cold easily now.

She noticed I spend a lot of my time in my room ,

She noticed I keep making myself puke if I eat ,

She noticed I have becoming bad again.

But she's too scared to ask.

Momma I am sad ,

Momma I can't control myself ,

Momma I cant stop my hatred ,

Momma I am addicted in damaging myself ,

Momma I think of the way to die every night .

Momma I am too broken , nothing can fix me any more.

But Momma ; don't you worry ,

I don't hate you nor put the blame on you ,

and believe me ; none of this happen ; is your fault.

x

#42

"manusia jahat ,
manusia jahat ,
manusia jahat ,

jadi engkau apa?"

" mungkin satu eksperimintasi tuhan yang gagal .
 kmungkinan besar yang hatinya  gagal untuk merasa dgn baik ,

yang akalnya gagal berfungsi sama kayak pemikiran lain. "

 

" jadi engkau mendefinasikan diri engkau sebagai apa? "

 

"yang asing"

x

#12

walau aku lecun melebur 
dalam gelap perit ini , 
aku tetap mahu diseksa 
selagi kau aku dapat 
tatang, walau kau jauh.

asal aku tahu kau gembira untuk hari-hari selanjutnya yang singgah.

x

#13

kau memang suka main sembunyi-sembunyi kan sayang ,
sampai aku dah tak larat nak cari kau masih lagi sembunyi ,
ceruk mana lembah mana dalam mana aku tetap takkan jumpa ,

jadi aku biarkan ,
kau sembunyikan diri dan hati kita jauh-jauh dari aku .

dan aku masih menunggu disini 
dengan dada yang lopong , kosong
kalau-kalau kau mahu balik semula ,

kau tak perlu susah kan diri cari ,
sebab aku tak pernah lari dari
hari pertama kau lesapkan diri .

x

#17

bego kamu udah di tahap melampau ,
sampainya gua rasa kangen mahu melapah 
melahap , menelan isi-isi kebego-an yang
kamu miliki itu . aku rindu kau bodoh.

x

#18

di sini aku , sedang terapung-apung dalam oxygen yang kamu sedut hembus , menelaah segala yang disisip dalam racun kamu yang buat aku menyerah diri dari bertarungkan ego yang bebal yang aku agung-agungkan dahulu . disini lah aku yang sedang mamai dalam separuh sedar , rebah , dalam atmosfera berlatarkan pelangi bermaniskan rasa cinta , dunia kamu .

x

#19

kau bilang kau benci ,
semakin lama semakin bertambah kau benci ,
kau benci dia dan semua perkara tentang dia .

tapi ,
kau tetap jua
masih baik-baik
masih suka-suka
masih kongsi-kongsi
masih agung-agungkan
masih angau-angau
tentang diri dia .

benci kau itu mungkin cuma perkataan saja ,
atau benci kau mengajar kau menjadi pelakon yang baik ,
pelakon yang baik yang tertewas dalam landasan cinta yang ngeri.

x

#20

walaupun,
hati dia sekarang sudah terisi

namun,
hati aku tetap kosong .

kerana,
hati aku telah dia buang

dan,
sampai sekarang tiada diketemukan lagi

jadi,
aku hanya menunggu simpati manusia

yang,
sudi berikan hatinya untuk aku

biar,
dada aku tak lopong lagi,
terisikan hati .

x

#28

jatuh kita,
orang cuma boleh lihat ,
dan kesiankan dalam hati.

bangun kita,
orang cuma boleh lihat ,
dan syukurkan saja dalam hati.

apa yang tersirat ,
luka-luka yang dihadap ,
tersungkur bangun kita ,
cengeng kita masa sorang ,
bengkok senyum kita ,
orang tak nampak .

sebab kita pun tak dapat faham orang,
apa lagi untuk orang faham kita , gagal.

x

#31

musik mati yang kamu nyaring-nyaringkan pada angkatan hidupan di langit yang penuh dengan jiwa-jiwa halus yang sesat dan makin memadam ; musik itu bikin hitamnya langit makin memekat dan kelabu awan makin berkasar permukaannya ; yang bikin hati aku ini makin disiat-siat dari dendangan alunan kamu itu.

x

#32

per
lahan
,

graviti
lepaskan 
aku
,

ter
apung
apung
,

tinggi
lemah
sesak
lemas
dengung

tanpa
sebarang 
tali

untuk
aku 
tarik

kalau
kalau
aku
jatuh

atas
permukaan
asing

dan
sesat
dalam

atmosfera
yang
bikin
aku

jadi
mati
dalam

dunia
sebenar
.

aku
perlu
kan

satu
ke
pasti
an
,

bila
mana
aku
sedang

ter
cari
cari
kan

sesuatu
yang
lesap
.

dan
aku

kem
bali
di

amuk
rasa

celaka.

x

#34

dan aku berderai hancur 
dengan tingkah kau walau 
ia setiap yang kau lakukan 
di masa lalu, aku sentap.

setiap kata,
setiah luah rasa,
setiap persinggah,
setiap yang pernah,

aku sentap,
kerana aku kesah.

x

#40

cinta ,

indah pada paksinya
cantik pada keduanya
miripnya pada damai
dekat pada laluan aman.

dan tentang cinta,
semuanya yang anggun.

tapi ianya digagalkan oleh realiti.
realiti yang mematikan fantasi.
fantasi jiwa yang rasanya kebas,
yang tiap rasanya disangkal,




















kegagalan.

x

 00:50

290614

How can I love?

When everyone I feel connected to,

have been lost from my radar.

How can I love?

When everything that I love.

turned to be the flame of my hatred.

How can I love?

When every memory that worth to keep,

have been erased by my awful mind.

How can I love?

When everything that supposed to be mesmerized,

turn out to be the most damaged feeling of all.

How can I love?

When every bridges they build,

turn out to collapse and explode every time I touch it.

How can I love?

When every beautiful feeling,

have been killed with my chaos soul.

the doors - your lost little girl

x

If this life is only a tale, and all of us is a character in it; then I will be that someone which everyone hate, the bitch that is annoying, the monster they tried to get rid of, the one who ruined everything, the one everyone hate and etc. Well that's the truth , I am awful after all. 

I can dream to be a princess but not the kind who is fragile and need to be save by a prince who bring her love in the hope to end the curse and end the story with happiness. No.

I'm that princess who destroy every single love from everyone, because I'm full of hatred and I'm the cursed. And nothing can change that in me; the desired to tortured and destroy everything beautiful. And everyone will haunt me or at least they tried to keep me away in the forest just so I won't interrupted with their happiness-land (LOL).

And I left everyone even the one I loved the most;
and there's no happy or sad ending In my tale,
it will just disappeared like I do.

x

I learn not to leave when there is stranger wanted to be my friend.but then there is this one feeling ; and the feeling is hate.

And then they want you to be what they expect you to be before they are close to you. And question everything about you if you're too secretive because they are just insecure. And then they tried to dig everything about you and your past when that's the only thing you wanted to burn and buried it so it won't haunt you any more. And they laugh at your scar and making fun of you and make you feel like a fool in front of everyone else. And that what make you choose to leave everyone cause you don't feel like you are one of them. You're just something they drag everywhere; something that is useless.

Or maybe it just me ,

I'm just expecting a friend,

someone who can accept me ;

even when I turn to be bad again.

5/8/14

x

Thing will get even worst.

But I promised you this,
You will get used to it .

x

In a red car, and I was to drunk, and she just drive and drive and drive to nowhere because we don't know where to go. And I just enjoying myself watching those tree and sky moving. The car stop, and you get in and sit beside me with your paranoid face. You talk a lot to me, but I just keep quiet because there's nothing else to talk about. She tell you that I drink a lot and she wanted to tell you everything else but I ask her to shut her fucking mouth because I want you to know nothing about me, but she keep talking and talking so I shout at her "dia dah ada makwe bodoh, kau diam boleh". 

And she ask you something that I can't hear, then suddenly you start explaining everything about your choice. I wanted to shout to you I wanted you to be quiet but I just can't say a thing. My mouth is lock so I have no fucking choice except to hear it.

Kau cakap orang yang dah lost yang diri dia dah rabak and damaged,can't be save anymore. Dan sebagai manusia, you have to be selfish you have to choose the thing that make you happy and alive, so you choose her because you don't want to stuck with this damaged girl who bring trouble to you any more. Kau cakap lagi, dia selalu ikut kau travel naik train, nyanyi sama-sama bila kau busking, korang even dah plan nak beli rumah. Aku diam dan tiba-tiba terbangun dari tidur. Bagus juga aku sedar sebab panjang lebar kau nak cerita dekat aku.

It just that, there's nothing important for you to know about me now and why am I being like this even though I hate being like this, it just not me, I don't feel like me at all. And same goes to me, I want to know nothing about you even if it hard for me but I try to make my self believe that you are not real,you are just someone from my delusion. 

And there's nothing to be angry about you and her. I'm glad you guys together and I don't care you two can just fucking be happy with your life, none of my business. I just don't find the need for you to explain anything to me cuz nothing have to do with me so why the hell explain right? Just be happy and alive, that enough for me to know.

It just me I guess, I don't know why is it still haunting me even though every night I keep whispering to myself that everything is not real everyone is not real you are not real I'm not real and I'm okay I'm not sad I'm happy but still I end up being like this. But well than I get used to it in fact I'm in love with it even thought I know it's bad for me but still, I'm happy. Guess I have lost fighting for myself and she's the one who conquer me now.

Oh well anyway it just a dream and I'm writing this at 3:25 am and I'm giving up on sleeping mm soooo ... yeah.