used to be.

Isn`t it just a waste of time longing for the thing you know is gone; that is never going to come back again that is never going to show it face again. The memories that already is buried but the mourn wont end, those friends that already dead but born again to be a strangers, those faces that have been haunted your mind, those feeling that you thought you have already get rid of it.

But then, it`s hard to erased everything so I have to pretend that none of this happen, none of us exist, we have never share anything, we have never been anywhere on the road together, we have never been in love, we have never met each other. All the witness ; sky , night , sea , rain and every fucking else can also pretend that they never witness our existence.

Maybe this is the last time that I have to [pretend that I] agreed with what you say, those past two years is just a waste of time [cheers]. So Sir and Mam it nice knowing all of you. Now it`s time for me to leave [since I am the only one who still stuck in there when everyone have already left].

So;
Nothing ever happen, not even in dreams, lets just pretend that none of us exist. heh.








not so sincere,
sampah yang jalang.

.

It`s her birthday. Since I don`t find the warm welcoming from everyone except her , I still come to her birthday to show how much she means to me. I don`t remember how old she is now, but all I can remember is she have been with me since the start.

We shared our food since both of us don`t eat too much, and the cake too. I sat beside her so it`s easy to help her with the thing she need that day. There`s nothing expensive I can get for her so I just quietly give `the thing` [her present] to her when everyone else is busy with other thing.

``you don`t have too, this is too much``

``yes I have too, that`s the only thing I can give. take it and use it well``

And the suddenly she ask me to come closer to her, I`m quite confused , why? I said. Come closer I don`t want anyone else to hear this, she replied. But everyone else hear out conversation and start being kepoh but it`s a secret , no one don`t need to know it. And she whispered to me;

``Aku mimpi untuk beberapa kali , ada seseorang sedang memerhatikan kau dari jauh. Dan dia bilang dia mahukan engkau. mungkin jodoh kau?`` and she laugh.

But I don`t find that is funny or exciting , I find it creepy. And it just because I don`t expect the man in her dream is really a man , it might be something else. Because I have been dreaming the same thing too , and I`m sure it`s not a man.

why have you never ;

Why have you never write a poem about me?

About how you see me from your eyes when no one notice my existence but you do,

About how you feel when I`m beside you asking for every thing that I`m curious about,

About how pretty if I smile in the middle of the night with the sky and moon as my background,

About how awful my drawing is but you are still going to steal it, because you want to keep it in your room and put it on your study table because it make you miss me more every time you laid your eye to it .

why have you never wrote a song about me?

About how you noticed i dont like being in the crowd,

About how traumatized I am when I wanted to cross the road,

About how beauty my scars on my skins is,

About how much I love being away from home,

About how shy I am when i'm around people,

About how focus I am when it come to reading,

About how much i love to play in the rain,

About how I adore the sea.

Why have you never created anything that remind you of me?

perempuan matersialistik.

Aku boleh cerita tentang kita tapi aku harap ini kali terakhir aku cerita because there`s too much thing happen and too much story to be tell because with you is another rarest moment I have ever be with. Tak mungkin aku jadi macam manusia-manusia lain yang ada `luck` dapat peluang lagi but it`s okay I don`t even think I deserved the luck cuz I know I will ruin it. And what`s for when you told me to hold on when you can just be frank with me; there`s no more us. Aku okay bila kau okay , aku gembira tengok kau gembira even when you`re with someone else , i`m okay. So this is it, the end of us.

I left you and let you be on your own in the worse condition, and I want you to know that to be in love with me is a mistake because from the start I have warned you , I am no good. I will hurt you bad. And I did.

Sometimes I keep thinking how did you do that? How did you be so positive? How is it easy for you to move on from everything and changed too completely stranger? To move on from me might be easy , because from the start I am just an option for you. I am nothing special than the other girl that have been wanting to be with you.

But here , a clap clap for your new life.
May your band succeed , and you get married and have children and blah blah blah [because that`s what you been talking about] , and you are in a good health so that its easy for you to travel everywhere. And fuck me I don`t know what am I trying to talk about? heh but anyway , be happy.

Ps* kau panggil aku materialistic sebab aku tumpang kereta kazen aku yang tiba-tiba nak suruh pergi rumah kau ambil camera dekat sana. And I am materialistic just because she drive bmw? Fuck you for that cuz all I ever ask from you is that cincin gula-gula yang aku pun tak tahu berapa juta kau beli sampai label aku mcm tu. fuck you fuck you fuck you. ok ,habis.

perempuan matersialistik. [sepuluh]

Aku selubungkan diri dalam selimut , cuba-cuba utuk tidur. Dan aku suruh kau pergi sana, pergi tidur. Kau kata nanti, dan aku cuma dengar tapak kaki ke sana ke sini. Lama aku katup mata , untung-untung senang terlelap. 

Kau duduk kau kejut mintak rokok yang aku sembunyikan dalam bantal , kau bakar rokok dan entah rokok ke berapa kau cakap ``kenapa kau tidur tak guna bantal? aku pun tidur tak guna bantal. kau tahu tak aku sayang sangat dekat kau? nanti aku tidur, kau pergi dapur pergi ambil pisau dan tikam hati aku ,bunuhlah aku.`` dan aku tak ingat lagi apa kau cakap.

And by that time I realize , how can two suicidal human fall in love. And somehow you trust that love can save you , but I don`t. And how you wanted my love but all I give is , my hate. Being with you is the best thing I have ever been in life but everything is so wrong.

perempuan matersialistik. [sembilan]

Adi offer aku kerja kombi dan aku ajak kau sekali kerja, aku pergi gig dan aku minta kau ambil aku lepastu kita start kerja terus. kau dengan mata rabak kau datang stopzone ambil aku.

oh kenapa kerja? kenapa tak nak wasted macam biasa? masatu duit aku dah tinggal sikit. Tak , sumpah aku tak berkira langsung berapa banyak malam-malam kita belanja. Berapa banyak duit kau duit aku habis sebab kita keluar. Aku tak pernah berkira dan aku harap kau pun sama. Cuma masatu aku dah tak ada duit, dan aku fikir kalau dua-dua tak kerja macam mana kita nanti? Sebab tu aku beria cari kerja itu ini, tapi kau tak suka. dan kau pula tak nak kerja, sebab kau benci jadi kuli orang. Habis macam mana kita? Duit tak penting tapi semua guna duitkan?

Kau mungkin boleh buat zine jual atau pergi busking main musik macam mana dari dulu kau nak buat dan sekarang kau dah buat. Tapi aku, apa aku nak buat untuk dapatkan duit? aku tak pandai itu ini macam kau , jadi kerjalah. Aku terpaksalah jadi kuli untuk isi perut. macam sekarang.

perempuan matersialistik. [lapan]

Ada satu masa kenapa masa aku pergi KL padahal aku boleh enak-enak tidur atas katil bija, tapi aku keras-keras nak over night dengan kau dekat seksyen dua. Tapi kau keras-keras buat muka suruh aku pergi sebab kau risau apa-apa jadi, dan seboleh-boleh paksa aku tidur dkt rumah sewa kawan kau sebab risau apa-apa jadi. 

Bodohkan kau, aku tak kisah dengan tidur aku sanggup datang KL pergi shah alam sebab aku nak jumpa kau pergi ipoh sama-sama, biar kalau susah sama-sama senang sama-sama. Tapi kau tak pernah nak faham, aku tak mintak pun kau layan aku macam puteri, aku mintak kau kena ada dengan aku je.

Dan endingnya kita stuck dekat tepi kfc dengan awkward moment yang lama gila. Last-last aku terpaksa juga ikut tidur rumah bija. Lepastu esoknya aku bangun lambat dan kita tertinggal bas dan kau marah gila. Tapi kita sampai juga dekat ipoh.

perempuan matersialistik. [tujuh]

Malam sebelum birthday aku,kau janji nak keluar dengan aku. Tapi tak balas mesej so aku cuma agak kau tidurlah masatu, macam biasa kau kan tidur lambat. Aku pun tunggu macam orang bodoh sampai dekat tengah malam baru kau balas mesej aku, kau kata dah depan rumah.

Aku bengang gila tapi aku saja buat bodoh tanya-tanya mana kau pergi semua. Mula-mula kau bohong kau kata kau tolong akak ke mak kau hantar periuk belanga ke apa, tapi sebab aku tanya-tanya-tanya-tanya-tanya lagi kau tak tahan kau berhenti tepi jalan kau paksa aku keluar kononnya nak tengok belanga tu semua. kau buka bonet, ada hadiah dengan bunga. 

Lepas kau bagi aku, masuk balik dalam kereta kau marah aku sebab aku spoilkan surprise kau, sebab masa tu belum tepat 12 kot. Tapi kau pun cerita yang sebenarnya kau tak tidur buat kad lepastu pergi sana pergi sini nak cari bunga lah hadiahlah. Sebersalah pula aku sampai kau tak tidur , aku tak mintak pun nak hadiah ke bunga ke suruh kau bawak aku makan tempat mahal atau apa-apa jelah, aku taknak ,tapi at least kau ada sudahlah bodoh.

Bodoh bodoh bodoh. Bunga? Aku tak suka bunga kenapa sibuk sangat asyik nak bagi aku bunga. Macam masa kau pergi cameron , sibuk tanya bunga apa aku suka. Aku cakap lah bunga lavender , kau balik sini kasi aku cokelat, strawberry dengan bunga lavender tu. Tak wangi pun rupanya, bau sayur je. Aku cakap lavender sebab ada pewangi yang konon-konon internet kata boleh buat senang tidur tapi tak expect pula bau sayur. Haha memanglah kan pokok mestilah bau pokok, aku mana pernah dapat bunga so aku agak jelah bau dia wangi. 

perempuan matersialistik. [enam]

Bibi hilang, kau ingat tak aku seboleh-boleh paksa kau cari bibi dengan aku tapi kau datang lambat, jadi petang tu aku pergi cari sorang-sorang round satu taman sambil goncang2 bekas kecil isi biskut bibi, mana tahu aku boleh dengar suara dia kan. Tapi yang aku dengar anjing gong-gong sambil lari laju ke arah aku sambil mulut dia keluar gigi macam nak gigit aku. Terus aku lari laju-laju, lepastu penat pandang belakang anjing tak ada pun. Masatu aku tahu anjing tu mesti saja nak takutkan aku sebab aku lari tak jauh mana pun. Sial punya anjing. Lepastu aku gelak sendiri. Bayangkan lah budak gemuk lari sungguh-sungguh dengan tangan penuh muka takut.

Petang tu kau datang aku masih ajak kau cari bibi. Tapi satu kali round je lepastu kau ajak aku teman kau pergi makan kot. Aku marah gila tapi aku diam. Kau tahu kenapa? sebab sebelum-sebelum ni aku tak ada kawan, bibi lah kawan aku. Mama kononnya bagi aku amek kucing sebab mama kesian dekat aku asyik kurung dalam bilik sorang-sorang. Tapi yelah bagi orang lain, kucing je kenapa nak kecoh-kecoh. Okay. ``Kucing je pun``.

perempuan matersialistik. [lima]

Aku tak ingat kenapa aku jahitkan kau dompet, lama aku kurung diri dalam bilik gunakan `pandai-pandai` aku jahitkan kau dompet, dan aku tak nak tidur selagi dompet untuk kau tak siap. Dan nampak bodoh bila aku bagi kau dompet dari bekas jeans aku dengan ada benang terkeluar, comot dan mestilah jahit terabur. Tapi kau suka, aku tak pernah nampak orang suka apa aku buat. Lepastu aku suruh kau lukis sebab aku taknak dompet tu nampak kosong.

kau pulang balik dompet tu, tapi tak apalah bukan semua orang nak simpan apa yang kita bagi. Itu pun aku baru perasan bila kau cakap, kau dah guna dompet lain sebab dompet aku bagi, kau diam lepastu kau senyum saindir kau tu. Aku confused apa kau nak cakap sebenarnya, dah hilang ke kau buang ke, kenapa? rupanya ada dekat aku balik.

perempuan matersialistik. [empat]

Kau jarang makan , mungkin sebab tidur lambat bangun malam dan terus keluar jadi kau jarang makan. Aku tak suka orang keliling aku perut kosong lagi lagi orang tu kau, jadi tiap kali makan aku akan suap kau, biar penuh mulut kau  sambil tengok kau struggle nak telan semua yang dalam mulut tu dan paksa kau habiskan semua makanan aku. Kadang ngada-ngada aku datang, aku yang suruh kau suap aku. 

Ada satu hari tu parents kau tak ada dekat rumah jadi sebelum keluar aku masak dengan beria nya berangan yang aku ni cheff. Padahal masak nasi goreeng dengan telur dadar je, adik-adik aku semua dah puas maki maki pasal telur dadar tu masin nak mampus engkau pula dengan selambanya telan semua dengan muka seposen kau kata ``sedap``.

Oh dan, aku masih kepoh-kepoh nak cakap dengan semua orang mak kau punya pizza paling sedap dalam dunia tapi aku tak nak cerita dekat orang macam mana sedap cookies yang kau buat. Oh dan, dah tercerita pula.

perempuan matersialistik. [tiga]

Aku tak tahu aku yang buang tebiat atau benda ni normal. Satu malam tu aku ajak kau lepak bas stand , kita pergi 7e kita beli jajan lepastu lepak bas stand. Kenapa bas stand? Sebab aku suka , tak ada motif lain cuma suka.

Dan kau pun melayan aku. Lepak bas stand lepak tepi jalan lepak dalam kereta lepak sana lepak sini semua kau okay kan aja. Macam mana kau okay kan aja bila aku tiba-tiba ajak kau pergi melaka, walaupun kau terkejut tapi kau okay kan aja.

perempuan matersialistik. [dua]

Satu malam tu aku beranikan diri, paksa kau lamar aku tapi dengan syarat belikan aku cincin gula-gula. Aku tunggu tempat biasa , dan sekejap je kau dah datang dengan sengih-sengih kau. Gila nak tunggu kau buat first move memang tak lah, dengan ego kau yang tinggi melambung.

Kau ajak aku pergi tempat parking, ramai orang lalu tempat biasa, kau segan. Aku tak expect pun kau jumpa cincin tu dan aku tak expect pun cincin macam tu wujud lagi , sampai tempat parking terus kau bagi aku. Aku paksa kau melutut atau kau yang melutut aku pun lupa atau memang tak wujud pun adegan melutut dan sarung cincin ni,entahlah. Dan aku paksa kau habiskan gula-gula atas cincin sebab aku cuma nak cincin dia je.

Lepastu kita lepak tempat parking main alat musik kau yang aku sendiri tak tahu apa nama dia sampai tiba-tiba ada polis datang lepastu sibuk nak lepak sama main musik.

Dan betapa excitednya kau , tak sempat nak tunggu pagi malam tu ramai dah tahu pasal kita. Terkejut juga aku.

perempuan matersialistik. [satu]

Malam-malam kita macam biasalah kita borak kosong, cumanya malam tu kita borak guna text massage. Masatu dah wujud whatsapp apa semua ni cumanya aku yang tak ada keinginan nak guna , siapa je tak kenal betapa kuno nya aku , ini pun cukup baik tak degil-degil dah tak nak guna talifon. Agak-agak kalau setiap kali orang offer nak bagi talifon lepastu aku jual semua, kaya dah aku,lepas kot duit buat bag pack satu Malaysia. Tapi itulah , bodoh orang bagi tak nak.

Malam tu aku tanya kau, perlu ke kita ikut apa yang sistem dah plan untuk kita? perlu ke kita ikut apa yang orang lain buat? perlu ke kita habiskan masa kita hambakan diri dekat benda yang tak pasti lagi; lepas habis belajar pergi cari kerja kumpul duit banyak-banyak beli rumah beli kereta beli itu beli ini lepastu kahwin kena jaga anak, last last dah tua baru sedar tak pernah nak buat apa yang kita suka , aku tak nak hidup macam tu. Kau cakap,kita boleh hidup tanpa ikut-ikut apa yang sistem dah aturkan,kita boleh hidup cara kita.

Malam tu aku kasi tahu kau tentang `rumah idaman` aku. ``Eby kalau aku, aku nak satu rumah kecil yang muat satu sofa merah satu rak buku ada radio, dan dapur kecil. aku nak rumah aku macam rumah kedai je , macam rumah kedai yang kid potong rambut dia tu ke, nampak lama tapi cantik. lepastu dinding aku nak conteng macam macam , haa macam tu dah cukuplah``

lima hitam lima siang. [lima]

Ipoh is okay, we know what to do and where to go but KL, I hate KL. Its crowded , just that. And all my friend  who stay at kl is somehow busy that time but I`m okay with that cuz I plan to go to Melaka. But then Jay saw us when we stop by at esotikata event. We don`t really talk to him at first because we are too shy but then he come and talk to us which is even making me shy.

He is the one who somehow give us the chance to meet everyone we never expect we will meet ,cuz they are his friend, and that`s the reason why i`m shy with em, geng rabak. They make me believe that somehow good human still exist.

Bla bla bla, it`s the second night at kl and we stay at their home studio at soho I think and all of us sleep late because they accidentally make a video of  Jay singing in the bathroom which supposed to be random video because , adalah penat nak tulis. And they make us a tea that smell like chicken sup tapi sedap, rasa teh lah.

And I wake up quite early bcuz I wanted to smoke cigarette so bad but since they don`t smoke so I respect em and wait until everyone is awake and ask Jay permission to stay at the back of their studio, it`s a perfect place to lepak but the thing is you have to climb the window to get out there. haha

There`s still too much to tell but I don`t have enough time and sometime not everything is meant to be shared so yah, trip is fun and everything is good I guess. What happen back there, stay there.

So the next trip will be another unplanned and ``pandai-pandai`` blah dari jb by me.

hahahambar betul sey.

lima hitam lima siang. [empat]

I thought of staying a day in one place and go somewhere else in the midnight so I have the chance to wake up in different places this time but well nothing goes like we want to. We stay at Ipoh for two night and went to Kl for another two night.

The thing with this trip is we get the chance to meet awesome people lepaking with us and go to some private places of them! Which they rarely or never invite others,and we get the chance. Oh hell by having this chance I know I should`t reject the offer they are offering.

I know I`m too excited and you might think that I`m pathetic. But it`s okay , lepak mamak eating roti special which you will never find it here in JB, with the one who`s one of your favorite writer is consider lucky ah do. Cuz you never know when you had another chance like this. 

We actually just lepaking with gdsjht and her husband, and she look even cuter when she is pregnant. And then meet sufian abas and get the chance to go to his Gudang Buku lah kot. And also meet abang naga who always tease me and akeem at facebook and he still teasing me in real life. And over night at rabak home studio.

I don`t really act like their ``fan girl`` who might scream and other thing fan girl do once they meet. I`m just me, awkward me and it`s the best if I stay quiet. So that`s the thing when I meet the one I adore, I act like I`m stupid retard mute person and they might have no Idea how much I adore them.

And this post is retard, I don`t know why I just feel like it. Retard.

lima hitam lima siang. [tiga]

I don`t have the reason why I feel the need to get away from here, because I know even if I keep running and avoiding everything, they will still find a way to haunt me. The voices still going to whisper to me, The faces still going to appear everywhere, The feeling I can fight anymore, The numbness that make me feel like I am pathetic.

Yah we have so much fun, sight seeing, good food, meeting friends, and some other normal thing people do when they are in different place I guess? But the fun thing is a somehow good conversation that we both expect there are more people to join us.

Since right now is raining season, so most of the time we walk in the rain ; since I love rain more than my hair, I dont mind to walk around in the rain with my awful hair eventho I wake up early and need to iron my hair so it look somehow the way I like it, but well it`s rain! I can`t resist it!

lima hitam lima siang. [dua]

About 8:30 something we plan to get a taxi to go to Ipoh city since the new bus station [the old station is at Gopeng and still need to use vehicle to go to the city and it is rm15 if you take taxi] is far so we had no choice than to ride a cab.

My friend told the taxi driver that we are going to RTC that supposed to be UTC or fuck it even I am confused with this two. So the uncle drive us to RTC and all of us is lost when we get there and since the uncle also doesnt know where `the store` at Ipoh city is and all we know is The Store , Bandar Ipoh. Then I remember that I have Lotte address so I give it and Uncle seem angry and we both expect that he will charged us more since we have been about one hour in his cab.

But he only charged us rm35 which is cheap since the regular price is rm25. And we c/in to the cheapest hotel which it is the hotel I used to stay when I went there, get the room key and take power nap. 

lima hitam lima siang. [satu]

Its Wednesday 29th evening when I feel the must to get out from this love-hate city I lived. So I keep on thinking about which places should I go and I expect to be alone, with not enough money with not enough time I just dont care , I need to be anywhere but here. Yup ``pandai-pandai`` am I.

And suddenly my friend dm me about the plan to go to muar this weekend and I tell him I might not even be here , in Jb so everyone else can go without me. He ask where am I going , and I say anywhere. Then he wanted to join me, and that dickhead mention about going to Ipoh and fuck you , I cant resist Ipoh so I ask him to meet at the station bus which not really because they pick me at my house.

We reach Taman Sri Putri [i guess] and without thinking twice we buy the early-departure ticket to Ipoh. 10:30 am we go and about 5am something we reach Ipoh and what the hell are we going to do at that time? so we end up lepak at mamak and how lucky we are we have the chance to see the sunset that morning.