x

I wish you have stay,

like the darkness did for 

the moon and make the star shine 

brighter than the night before it used to.

I wish you understand,

what the sadness trying to say 

about how everything and everyone 

keep pretending to be the one with the lucky light.

I wish you come like the wave did,

so I wont even fade away again 

when the sea took me far from everyone and 

everything once it start to eat me and let me be in her.

I wish you would love me more,

even with this scar and mess I am

even with this bruises and cut I have

even with this trouble bad person I am

even with this awful chaotic mind I have;

even with everything I cant afford to be.

x

the sky is crying heavily ,

and I ask her why are you crying?

but she just wont speak to me.

the tree are dancing when the rain come,

then I ask them why are you so happy?

but they just wont speak to me.

the dog are jumping around in the rain,

then I ask them is this tear give you joy?

but the dog too, wont answer me.

But it is true , these tear of the sky is beautiful but sad in the same time. So I tried to take every single of the drop with my hand so maybe , just maybe I can feel what they feel, if I'm lucky.

.

" you have become so damaged , that when someone wants too give you what you deserve,

you have no idea how to respond"

-jen

x

She got this aura when she is somewhere or anywhere , everyone is attracted to her. Oh I don't have to describe how beautiful she is , because no one can denied her beauty.

And tonight, with the sky being our roof as she come closer and closer to me while holding my hand and land her lips to mine , and with the smoke from her lung breath smoothly all the way to my mouth and down to my lung and everything seems to stop from moving and there's this tiny explosion , a beautiful one that somehow make us both start to float , and fly high beyond the sky and star and see the universe.

But it only last for 20 second when my mind start interrupt me asking me ; how many lips have taste this one? how my ex , my friend and everyone else have been feeling the same like I do when she start touch our lips with her magic madness?

Ahh I don't care, anyway ;

I kissed a girl and I like it ,
I hope her boyfriend don't mind it. 

If anyone is checking on me asking if I feel lots better now or how do I feel today. The answer is always " I'm doing fine , don't worry" with a smile on my face to make sure they believed it; because it hard for me to describe about what I have been feeling all this time. I don't need other people attention I just need a friend who understand me when I'm in my awful condition .

So last night I text my friend ask if she is free so we can talk about this . I tell her , almost everything that I can't bear any more. She ask me to hold on my desired to cut , just for one week because she will be coming back here next week ; and yes , I said yes sure. But everyone know that I'm lying (I can't control it , I'm sorry). 

She told me that "we have been trough this , we can do it this time now". I get her attention now but all I ever do is , pushing her away when all I wanted is ,she to be by my side. Because I have no idea with what is happening and it's hard to explain it , to make they understand it .

But it's okay because as much as I want it to end , I get comfort by being this way . this is me, this sickness is me.

0707pm 140814

cause her name is trouble.

she was so lonely,
all she need is friends ;
because she thought
that's all she ever wanted.

and then she met people,
their story is the best part
that make her addicted to 'em;
because her curiosity over
everything is excessive.

but she have this overly attached feeling to people, she make herself to be their slaves , their dog ; because she's scared by not doing that , they leave her ; just like everyone in her past did.

but then she realize that even when she's in the crowd , lonely attack her straight to her soul. and the feeling is way more worst when she is alone , and that make she feel what a horrible miserable mess she is.

so she cut people off ;
and demand to be alone again.