If anyone is checking on me asking if I feel lots better now or how do I feel today. The answer is always " I'm doing fine , don't worry" with a smile on my face to make sure they believed it; because it hard for me to describe about what I have been feeling all this time. I don't need other people attention I just need a friend who understand me when I'm in my awful condition .

So last night I text my friend ask if she is free so we can talk about this . I tell her , almost everything that I can't bear any more. She ask me to hold on my desired to cut , just for one week because she will be coming back here next week ; and yes , I said yes sure. But everyone know that I'm lying (I can't control it , I'm sorry). 

She told me that "we have been trough this , we can do it this time now". I get her attention now but all I ever do is , pushing her away when all I wanted is ,she to be by my side. Because I have no idea with what is happening and it's hard to explain it , to make they understand it .

But it's okay because as much as I want it to end , I get comfort by being this way . this is me, this sickness is me.

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