x

The End.

"I don't know what to say" he said.

"It's okay" she replied.
"I know what what we are ---
and I know what we are not."

- Lang Leav

x

some say this is because of love,
some say this is because of family,
some say this is because of work,
some say this is because of over thinking,
some say this is because of my careless,

but still everyone is scared of me,
and they have no idea how much I want to be better.

some say I should eat more,
some say I should stop smoking,
some say I should be positive,
some say I should have a rest,
some say I should see a doctor.

but still everyone is scared of me,
and they have no idea how much I want to end this.

some call me sick,
some call me psycho,
some call me depressed,
some call me maniac,
some call me skizo,

but still everyone is scared of me,
and they have no idea how much I wanted to be dead.

Bright Eyes - Lover I Don't Have to Love

Bright Eyes - It's cool we can still be friends

x

If she's your sunshine,
then I will be your rain;
with the storm and hurricane too.

x

You were in my dream , again. And this time you were playing your guitar , and you sing too. I know that you sing because I heard your voice in my dream last night. But those song you were playing is a death sad song , but it's okay. You can play that on my funeral later.

Your hands were bleeding but you keep playing your guitar. And know how much you love singing , that is how much you love me when I'm death. And your voice is always , mesmerizing. I would like to hear it for the last time when they are going to buried me down there.

And yeah, keep playing that death song for me.

x

I tried to be better, but look at me, look at me now, I'm so fucking weak. All I ever think is to end this. There's no reason to be alive. There's no reason to stop this. I was meant to be like this. I was meant to be sick. I was meant to be death. I wonder if god care, he see me every time when i'm out of control. He see me cutting my flesh and my blood drop on the floor. He see me cry and scream every night. He see me when I'm shivering and being mad. He see me waking up from my sleep and crying for everything to stop. He even see how a messed I am living here. I wonder if god care , He will take me from here, He will end my pain, He will make me die.

So I wont have the thought every night thinking of the way how to die and what my death will look like.

I Wish I Was Your Cigarette - The Boom Boom

x

I have been creepy, overly creepy lately. And last night when I was having my break down, I don't know what I'm thinking I actually call my friend and ask him to tell me story , any story,any thing to make that noise stop. I just want to distract myself , but I end up being a creep. I don't talk much to him, I was just crying that time while playing my knife (oh and look how weak I am now, ha ha ha laugh at me).

I have been like this since I'm a kid, but that time I'm full of hatred full of anger. I hate seeing my ugly face crying so I tell myself, stop crying you look even ugly, no one care so just stop it. And somehow I'm strong that time. I always angry but I end up keeping it to myself, because I know no one care. I know it's bad but somehow I managed it , I managed ignoring everything.

So right now,

I'm not going to expect someone will care because I know , no one ever care. And I'm not going to expect every night I will wake up seeing my corpse in the bed and kiss her goodbye, NO. I know I will still having breakdown every night and I will keep hurting myself. But I try, I will try to fight this. I have done this before , I'm sure I will do it again. Because I know I'm not this weak, or at least I'm trying to be strong now. 

x

I'm not going to talk to anyone about this any more, they don't really care, they just curious. And every time I try to tell them what I actually think is happening, they just scared of me. I know it because they show it, the way they talk the way they look at me, like I'm some kind of maniac. They even suggest me to see doctor to get help.

No no no and fucking no. Everyone think I'll be better, they just give me some time alone. But they have no idea how scared I am when I'm alone. I can't control anything, everything turn to be mad. I just feel like destroying something. In fact I keep destroying myself. It funny because somehow it turn to be my desired. I can't feel anything, so I keep hoping those pain can make me feel alive again. But the thing is, I can't feel from hitting my head and punching on the wall, I can't even feel those blade on my flesh. All I see is red, red everywhere.

x

I literally break down every night, but now it worst, it's every time and I can't control it. And last night I can sleep at last , I guess I'm just too exhausted. But before I went to sleep, I text him. I just need to know when did he start being with her , I don't need to ask why because it break my heart more. And he didn't reply , I guess he is happy now and he doesn't care about me any more. It's okay , no one care , I don't care too.

But I'm tired been waking up from sleep because of my dream. I dream that he give me the answer to my question, the kind I'm expecting. I didn't wake up once, it three time. three fucking time. And you have no idea how to sleep after that from all the fucking noises and faces.

The first one is he lied to me , he show me that girl picture but I saw that picture somewhere else. The second dream is he denied it , I'm not sure how to explain but he denied it, he denied it wasn't true. And the third is he text me back , when I realised that I off my phone, how come I can read it. Ha Ha Ha. And I stay wake up , I'm giving up sleeping.

And then I realised , am I too desperate? Am I too desperate I hope he actually care about me, he actually be with me now , he actually still love me. And there's too much I wanted to say but no, I won't say anything. I guess I am desperate , to have his one last chance for me.

ahh! fuck this shit.

x

I've never move on , but I glad you did. I glad she come. I'm not angry with you , I'm not angry with everyone else any more , I'm just frustrated with my self. Everything happen because of me , I'm such a horrible person . I'm cursed , every single thing I do will turn out to be bad , and just by being exist I have caused lot's of trouble. Dad is right , I should just be dead before I born , He know the best . But it's too late now, I'm already here so I should just continued his "unfinished job" . I know what I've been doing and I hate myself too. 

Bla Bla Bla ,

I should just be gone right now.

x

aku mahu jadi yang manis ,

semanis-manis untuk kau seorang rasa.

macam hot chocolate dan cincin gula-gula dan cekelat yang kita kongsi tepi jalan selalu,
manis gila eby .

-kotak selerak-

26th january 2013

x

"I realize now I can't get you back
I pushed you too far away
You're too strong to be led on

And now I know the face
That will haunt me forever
Oh, what have I done?
Oh, what have I done?

Just please, please, promise me
Somewhere dark and deep in your heart
You'll keep a tiny place for me
Where no one new can reach

Just promise me
Somewhere dark and deep in your heart
You'll keep a tiny place for me
Where no one else can reach

Promise me, promise me now"

x

I have been thinking a lot about quitting my job but I have no idea what to do after that , except be all day in my room , shut myself from this world and bald my hair and avoiding everyone, including my family because I'm sick with myself and I don't want to drag people with my life , any more. I have cause trouble to everyone lately. ( Maybe I will just drawing and painting or reading or fuck up my life even worse. )

Or I will just quit my job after I got my license and buy a van , and travel alone , everywhere . It will be worth ,at least I don't waste my time not doing anything, I guess?

Or I will just pretend that I don't exist and just let this corpse live my death life and wait for everything to end. Because nothing I say , think and feel right now is making sense. 

anxiety attack - jeffrey lewis

"I lay down every night 
And I can't get no rest
'Cause it starts spinning in my brain
And then it's pounding in my chest
What if I've wasted all my youth?
What if I've wasted growing up?
What if I wasted my whole life?
Oh man, I feel like throwing up

It's an anxiety attack
An anxiety attack
I've got a bad case of the horrors
And at night it comes back

'Cause first I look back at my week
And then I look back at my year
And then I'm terrified to speak
And then I'm paralyzed with fear
And I'm tossing and I'm turning
And I'm going 'round the bend
And all I see are all my failings
Downward spirals without end
And I see horror in the future
And I see horror in the past
And it's 4am and 5am, 6am at last

'Cause what if I never feel grown up
And die in a car accident?
And what if I go crazy
And what if this time it's permanent?
And what if I go broke
And have to move back with my parents?
And then what if I get cancer
And I ain't got no insurance?

All my days are moving faster
And it's making me feel dizzy
How come I get nothing done
But always feel so busy?
And I used to feel so smart
You know, I used to feel so strong
But this just can't be how to live
I must be doing something wrong
Because everything I might do
Feels like something else I can't
And then another day is gone
And I just don't know where it went

I try not to hang out too much
Try not to watch too much television
But still everything I do
Just seems to be the wrong decision
And I lay down every night
But still I can't get no rest
'Cause it starts spinning in my brain
And then it's pounding in my chest

It's an anxiety attack
An anxiety attack
I've got a bad case of the horrors
And at night it comes back"

x

I want you to be with me all the way trough the dark,
to carry me when I fall down the edge of this blackness,
to hold me when everything is so wrong and confusing .

I want you to help me when I get scared and be by my side,
to keep loving me so I'm not scared to be loved and to love,
to come right at the edge and see what's in there with me.

I want you to ignite the light that have been death for so long,
to make me feel like I'm alive and this world is a wonderful place,
to rebuild the bridges that I have destroyed from my failure,

I want you ;
to show me there's a reason for me to be strong and to keep on living.

Then again it seem like
I have make a mistake,

You can't save me.

You don't want to.

But I don't blame you,

I'm afraid too.

Jeffrey Lewis - Broken, Broken, Broken, Heart

"Broken broken broken heart
When will you just go away
You just hurt hurt hurt inside of me
Every minute of the nite and day

And all I do is try try not to think
Not to think of anything at all
If I can keep myself from thinking for the rest of my life
Maybe I'll survive this fall

Oh this fall fall fall
See how low I fell
From where I was when I had you
Now I'm falling in a hole and it's dark and cold
And the only thing that I can do

Is try try try try not to think
Not think of anything all nite and day
Broken broken broken heart
When will you just go away

But it breaks breaks breaks and it never stops
Though I know that somehow it has to
And every time I feel that I just can't feel worse
I find out that it isn't true

Broken broken broken glass
Rattling inside my chest
What am I to do with every empty day?
I can't eat and I can't rest

And why why why does yr phone keep ringing?
And how how how does this hurt keep coming?
Every nite and every day
Oh, I was so careless
Oh, I was so stupid
To think I'd never feel this way
This way

But now all that I can say is
Broken broken broken heart
When will you just be gone?
You just hurt hurt hurt inside of me
And everything just feels so wrong

But thank you, thank you, thank you pain
For teaching me
Thanks but it's been more than enough
You can stop now pain
I'll never throw away
That project that two people built called love

Because we built it and we built it but I was so cruel
I wanted to know how it ran
I kicked it just to see what it would do
I was such an awful man
I wondered what would happen if I tested it
Then what if I tested again
How strong is it really?
Can I step on it?
Can I leave it standing in the rain?
Can I tell it that I don't care if it lives or dies?
Can I hate it and just wait and see?
Can I send it to the arms of another man less cruel and curious than me?

Well, just as you're thinking I tried and tried
To make it go away and break the chain
I said I'd trade it for freedom
I'd trade it for adventure
But the only thing I got was pain

Broken broken broken heart
When will you just go away
You just hurt hurt hurt inside of me
Every minute of the nite and day

And all I do is try try not to think
Not to think of anything at all
If I can keep myself from thinking for the rest of my life
Maybe I'll survive this fall"

Poison Girls - Riot in my mind

"There’s a disturbance 
A riot in my mind
 Running down the street
Someone’s trying to do me down

There’s a disturbance 
A riot in my mind
Fire burning down the street
Someone’s trying to do me down
Theres a disturbance 
Like a circus come to town
Wagons swaying down the street
Scatter children in the splintered dark 

There’s a disturbance 
A riot in my mind
Razors flying through my doorway
Someone’s trying to cut me down
Theres a disturbance
 Like a occupation in the town
Shattered mirrors in the hallway
Running running on the splintered

Can’t you take me to a safe place
Somewhere where it’s safe for me to love
Running running down the street 
Someone’s trying to do me down
 Run riot run riot run

There’s a riot in my mind 
But the streets are quiet
I'm looking for a crowd to hide in
There’s a disturbance
Interference on my line
Fire burning down
There’s a disturbance
Interference on my line
Can’t you take me to a safe place? 
Someone’s trying to burn me down"

x

12-08-14

7:20pm

It's a relieve when you have someone you can talk to , about everything that you're not sure how to settle it. About why are those noises disturb your head , the image that won't leave you alone , the fighting that won't end , the screaming of beating and the bruised that just don't want to be healed , the cry that won't come out anymore , the people who leave you hanging , and how much suffering it is for you when every time they are around ,you have to pretend to be normal and fake your smile and laugher to make sure they think you're okay ; and that's only because you hated it when they forced to send you to psychiatrist just because they have no idea how to calm you done and it scared them.

And how tired you're you've tried various way to end it all ; The feeling when you pressed down the knife and try to cut off your vein but there's only blood that come out and the pain that you're addicted to it ( O god it fun) . The taste of the pills you swallowed and you though would kill you but it just make you sleep for days. The furious heartbeat when you stand on the x'th floor and look down and wonder how will I end up if I jump  ; but everything failed because you don't have enough courage to do it. O how you pray to god every night that you wanted to wake up tomorrow watching your body lying on the bed , and kiss it goodbye.

It's a relieve to have someone to talk with ; 

Even if the one you were talking to, will only appear when you're standing in front of the mirror.

You can keep playing with your phone all the time you want,

and I won't complain or assume anything about that ,because
that is "normal" . And I wont bother you with your social
internet life. Go on.

So let me wonder around or stared at thing like I wanted to ,

and free my thought and let it be wild and interacted with others
thing than human , because that is "normal". Nah don't bother
or assume anything about me or tell me that I'm weird.


Don't bother,I'm enjoying this silence.

Kafi.

00:38am

12/08/13

seperti selalunya kita;

di malam yang sama

di atas bumbung yang sama

hidangan coffee yang sama

harum dan ranum yang sama

dingin jahat angin yang sama

pekat hitam langit yang sama

.

cuma malam ini,

kisahkan aku duka

yang ditinggalkan dia

untuk kamu terussan

rengek pada yang lalu.

dan aku kan selalu yang sama,

membohongkan rasa yang sama .

dalam koma ukir bibir yang sama ,

dan kebas rasa yang sama.

aku akan selalu yang sama;

untuk diri kamu

dan kisah nya .