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I'm not going to talk to anyone about this any more, they don't really care, they just curious. And every time I try to tell them what I actually think is happening, they just scared of me. I know it because they show it, the way they talk the way they look at me, like I'm some kind of maniac. They even suggest me to see doctor to get help.

No no no and fucking no. Everyone think I'll be better, they just give me some time alone. But they have no idea how scared I am when I'm alone. I can't control anything, everything turn to be mad. I just feel like destroying something. In fact I keep destroying myself. It funny because somehow it turn to be my desired. I can't feel anything, so I keep hoping those pain can make me feel alive again. But the thing is, I can't feel from hitting my head and punching on the wall, I can't even feel those blade on my flesh. All I see is red, red everywhere.