aku mahu kongsi titis-titis langit sama kamu , tapi kamu lebih rela disinari cahaya matahari. aku mahu kongsi malam dan bintang yang menari-nari keliling bulan sambil di tiup lullaby angin hitam , tapi kamu bencikan gelap jadi kamu tutup langsir dan langsung tidur. aku mahu angin malam membelai muka kita dan menjamah tubuh kita yang telanjang , tapi kamu kata pergilah dahulu nanti kamu datang, tapi tak pernah ada kamu. aku mahu kongsi jalan yang tiada destinasinya, tapi yang kamu buat cuma tinggalkan aku di tepian jalan asing, dan selalunya kamu begitu ;

kerana kamu tahu nanti bila kamu balik, masih ada yang menunggu kamu lagi disini.

I thought it was the thing I thought it would be.

those bruises and wound every time he leave on our body ,

I thought it was love, but I was wrong, he just love to beat us.

those kisses, hugs, road, skies and star, beaches and the sunset, and every night adventure with him,

I thought it was love, but I was wrong, I'm just one of his experiment.

those money and money and money  and money that she give and spend to me,

I thought it was love , but I was wrong, I`m just one of the thing she invested.

And God, you know I have already give up to search for what love can really be and the only love that I desired right now is from you.

you could be the one with everything ,
and I can only be the one that adore you.

and know you could be the one with nothing,
and I can only be the one that still look at you.

it almost rain that day.

She get up when everyone else is still sleeping. Open her cigarette box take one and light it up while opening the window in the same time, quietly hoping that she doesn't wake anyone up. But they are awake, and she is not sure if it the noise of the busy road or the smell from her smoke that she puff out that wake everyone up.

She get the chair while lighting up another cigarette, climb the chair and sit at the window and then climb the window because the space isn't that big to sit at and walk three step to the left and back to the right and she would repeat it again and again and again, not knowing that they were looking at her.

She look at the sky, and then look down at the road. Hoping that she would take a wrong step and fell down there so everything will just be an accident. Just like when she crossed the road, and walk slowly while staring at the cars hoping that it would smash her to pieces, and that will be an accident. Or when she's lying at the rail and the train suddenly appear and crash her. Hoping that would consider as an accident too. And her death will just be an accident.

While she is in her head wondering and planning about the mess she going to create , Her friend shout "turunlah karang jatuh" , heh she say to her self.  And suddenly he ask her;

"kau dah sedia nak mati?"

And with a smile she reply ; 

"dah sedia nak mati, tapi belum sedia nak jumpa tuhan"

madness.

He is angry with me , and I am too.
But I will kiss his lips just to make sure he will shut off his mouth for a second.

And he will be more angrier to me for kissing him , and I am too.
So I will slit his throat , just to make sure he is shut off and I can see his calm face again.

heh

What have both of us have done if any of you is wondering?

Nothing , 

we done nothing , 

not even being in love.

I`m just wasting his time,

and I`m just his waste.

that`s just it.

x

janganlah sembunyi lagi,
aku tak pandai cari-cari.
janganlah lari jauh-jauh,
aku tak kuat nak kejar lagi.
janganlah hanya tinggal diam ,
aku tak reti main teka dengan sunyi.


tapi kalau-kalau nanti kau baca ini,
aku mahu tanya ;

mana kau hilang tinggalkan aku kali ini bodoh?